| i remeber i kept thinking that i know you never would |
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| i hate the cold |
[26 Oct 2004|03:14pm] |
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its so cold out and not really at the same time maybe i just think its so cold cuz i cant wear sandles anymore and its like almost november.i really hate the winder it aggrevates me soo much. so does a lot of things tho like my father ehh i pray to god sometimes that he just dies i hate him soo fucking much i really do wish he just died tho hes an asshole. ughh i have work today just like every other day besides wednesday and thursday this week and i cant even go out wednesday oh well i will take it to my advatage and dye my hair that day.im really tired tho and i wish that this stupid borningness would end and i would be able to be happy all the time with no problems. people in this town are mad gay but i dont even care anymore good shitt
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[29 Jul 2004|10:58pm] |
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ahhh well its like 11:00 and johns not home yet so i didnt talk to him yet but im going to his house tomorrow right after he gets home from summer school and then we're gonna smoke and chill and have crazy sex of cousre and then get drunk and probably have more crazy sex i know your jealous ahhhaaaa.. anyways im talking to john but hes like high and drunk and i dont like talking to him when hes like this sometimes cuz hes a bkafkjbg but anyways im gonna tell him about the dream i had last night n then ill come back and type it here .. ok well i was talking to our son and he was like well why did u name me john and i was like well cuz i knew it would make ur dad happy.... ahhhhh then i woke up and felt like the most ahhhhhish feeling in the whole wide world!! ahh im kinda nervous to see john again but i shouldnt be idk im sucha freak man um anyways sooooo I LOVE JOHN DANIEL MACDONALD SOOOOOOOO FUCKIN MUCH!!<33
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| tomorrow im gonna see my love<33 |
[29 Jul 2004|02:04pm] |
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well its been a good day so far and its going by pretty quick im kinda sad cuz im gonna miss everyone here they are soo how should i say it loving? yea well i cant wait to see john im sooo excited!! i hope everything stay good tho i really hate stress and fighting and lying and cheating. ive read some things here that has ready enlightened me too and thats really good, i see everything in a different way, a better way. i guess me and john had to go threw the bad to get to the good doesnt all couples? and yes i know some of yous havent went threw things this bad with your signifigate other but you have gone threw bad things and it all just gets better and better unless you are not ment to be with the person. i havent cheated on john in a while and i remeber when i did and what happened and what was said and no one else will really ever know thats just my experinece and i understand why it all happened. i dont really understand why i went threw some things in the past talking about before i didnt even know john but i guess it made me learn right i got something out of everything that has happened and if i dont know what it is yet i will in time. my baby girl gnaa is having a hard time now with a loss she is experiencing and i wanna help her i wanna enlighten her like i was. it might be kinda hard cuz people are very weird creaters its like they believe things and not others mostly they believe what they see and experience but they are all experiencing everything i am and everything everyone else is just they dont listen hard enough and they dont trust things they hear in the silence. i wish everyone could hear sooo clearly but i guess thats impossible cuz i cant even hear it as clear as others. well maybe ill write more later im gonna go paint the babys nails and toes hehe <33
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[28 Jul 2004|09:02pm] |
You are a Lover! You live for the rush of love (or
is it lust?) and get an absoulte high out of
doing what you do best-loving! You never
dissapoint the one you love and also are so
romantic that they think you are the most
seductive person in the world (which is
probably true).
Lover, Loner, or Lost?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| dont you know wanna know everything.. |
[28 Jul 2004|02:26pm] |
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ahh im pretty tired and not hungry anymore cuz i ate some eggs and cheese before.. *yumm* but umm i feel sick i hope i dont have mono cuz my sister does and i kiss her a lot. well im gonna be going back to long beach soon. CANT WAIT TO SEE JOHN AHHH !! but u all knew that already. damn its like the afternoon and im tired that sucks. i wish things were perfect but i know things cant be perfect cuz i am put in this body.. stupid stupid bodys i have them!! johns not really talking to me cuz hes mad for no reason? get that one, i dont .. ughhh i wish i had a fat blunt all to myself :-/ oneee dayy, im soo bored there is nothing to do and i have such little pot let from the shit jen and chrissy gave me before they went back to plam coast, it will get me high but only once and if i smoke it today ill have no pot tomorrow.. i think ill smoke it today tho just after my mom goes to the doctor cuz i wanna see if she will smoke with me, whatever i dont care im in sucha weird mood... i didnt write about my time with jen and chrissy yet tho so i think i will now just to think of happy things hehe.. ok well my mom drove me there on wednesday and jessica and some kids were there and aunt carol, jen and chrissy got there like 10 minutes later and a little while after i had to catch the little one so my mom can go home with her. after that jen took a shower and shit and we went to her boyfriends house to babysit his sister, poor jen her boyfriend had to go away for six months!! thats insane i would rip my hair out of my head if i couldnt see john for six months. anyways the guy mark that rents a room there was there and he was really nice and chill he cared a lot about the little girl and thats cool. he let me find pot in his room so i can smoke and chirssy and jen too but there wasnt a lot so me and chrissy went to get a lot of pot for $25 whattt!! well chirssy told me to ask this guy to buy us a ducth and i asked him but he didnt know what i was talking about cuz well florida doesnt have duches but he got a "blunt" they call them, i just call them phillis. anyways we went back and got high the "dad" figure was there and smoked with us even tho hes 24 and not really a dad to anyone, long story. then me jen and chrissy left and went a the op which is a club for gay people it was iight jessica acme and so did these two guys who were boyfriend that were jens friends anyways i smoked a lot and drink different liquors and it was bad i had to sit in the bathroom oh well..i came out when i felt a little better and sat with jen to watch this show they did .. experience i probably wont see again but it was great cuz i was with jen<33 anywaysss that night we slept t chirssys and wake and baked in the morning by her pool then got a little color and get jens pay check and i dont know we def did something.. oh we got wendys and then went to smoke with mark and that guy robbie again and then the next day we went to watch nicole again and wow i think i smoked too much there.. hehe, well they brought me back here and we went in the pool and the hott tub and then around 10:30 we went off to orlando.. jesus fuckin crist that was a journey of I4 without a doubt!! we got there and the guy jen and chrisy knew left right away after chrissy got weed off him and then we went inside and there was 3 guys they were kinda weird and all these girl came when i was high as hell, they were def a buzz kill AHHA!! well getting back from orlando was def was crazy too cuz it was soo confusing.we got back in the driveway at like 4 something and smoke a bowl of mad good shit it was like the weed from new york or was acctually like nugs it was hott anyways i couldnt fall asleep after that and eventually was sleeping ill say about 5 and then chrissy and jen woke me up at like 12 and damn was i tiredd..
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| jhfyjhgc |
[27 Jul 2004|03:08pm] |
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ahh i miss john soooooo fuckin much but im sooo happy after today there is tomorrow and then after tomorrow there is thursday and after thursday its friday and ill be with the love of my life as soon as he gets home from summer scool or as soon as i get to his house which ever one is sooner i so cant wait..i hope everything is gonna be okay i think it will be cuz i havent been gone long but i remeber last summer i went away longer and then it was weird when i got back but that was also like we were really just getting to know eachother and now things are different im just soooo excitedd !!
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| shine on me now |
[18 Jul 2004|12:08pm] |
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last night i went to see anchor man dumb ass movie unless u like stupid funny movies.. ahhh i was soo drunk in there i guess florida doesnt know about 40's they have 32's lol weirddddness.. and when i was in the movie i drank the rest of that bottle so i was sooo drunk which did make the movie better cuz if i wasnt drunk i probably would have fell asleep well now im talking to krissy and probably gonna go in the pool so cuz my back is so much darker then the front of me after yesterday so i gotts fix that lol ahhh iiight latterrr <33
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(5 Got | Turned On )
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| take all you can find in meeeeee |
[17 Jul 2004|05:25pm] |
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ahhhhh sooo tiredddd.. i wish john wasnt sleep or doing w/e hes doing so i can talk to him w/e mannnn ughhh i went to the beach today with my bro and my cousins and oe of them is 21 now and got me a bottle yay lol im kinda tipsy but not really ne more just like mad and frustrated i dont even know why lol maybe just im listening to crazzyyyy hott music i wanna go in the poll but i dont and i wanna go in the hot tub but i dont and i wanna take a shower but i dont so i guess ill just put sweat pants on and lay down for a little i dont know mannn ahhhhhhhhhh i cant wait to smoke whenever that is gonna be... :-/
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| cuz i miss you already, yea i miss you |
[16 Jul 2004|11:08am] |
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well im not really doing anything waiting for john to come back online which he is right now :) i miss him sooo much ughh i cant wait to see him .. count down is 2 weeks though so thats good .. i left for so much shorter time then i did last summer. well my cousins paul and danny are coming here today. we gotta go pick them up at the airport at 5:30, kinda exceted to see them i haven't in like over a year. but i cant wait to see john soooo much more... more then anything.. i told my dad last night we found a ticket for me to go abck on the 30th and he was like well we'll see fuck that he said i can come back whenever i want and i have to go back to work on august 2nd whatever i dont wanna write about my dad or work both of that shit gets me all frustrated and i dont wanna be cuz then ill need another ciggerette and those things are slowly killing me.. ahh imm soo scared of death and people i love dying. :( that why i really hope me and john are forever cuz i wouldnt mind growing old and ugly and shit with him.. ahhh i soo cant wait till i get back and see him sooo cant wait!! when i get there hes gonna be just getting home from summer school and have 2 blunts waiting for us to smoke haha we'll each have a long lasting ciggerette cuz no nicotine it will have thc lol and then ill have a bottle of bacardi puerto rican rum which will get me and him trashed later :-D ok well im gonna go maybe ill write more later <33
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| doesnt it suck u cant take these oness |
[15 Jul 2004|11:14pm] |
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Is the Glass Half Empty or Half Full?
Overflowing Glass
Optimism is a way of life for you -- in fact, you look so hard for the bright side that you run the risk of being blinded by the light. While there's certainly nothing wrong with keeping your spirits up, there's also nothing wrong with acknowledging disappointments and hurts. Putting a positive spin on almost everything is a strenuous effort, and chances are you feel pressured to do karmic damage control not just for yourself, but also for others who have come to rely on your cheerleading abilities. In the end, your positivity is a precious resource that you must conserve and protect. Think of it as an overflowing glass of water: how much energy do you have to expend just to keep any liquid from spilling? A better focus for that energy might be training yourself to ride out (rather than deny) inevitable difficulties, trusting that your irrepressible spirit is up to the challenge.
Note: Scores are rounded to one decimal place and therefore may not total 100%
You scored 50%
The Fun-Loving Fellow
Party on! Whether at a gathering with friends or in line at a movie, you pick out the most personable guy of the group, and it's easy to see why: You enjoy a good time and a good laugh and need someone who can appreciate these as much as you do. A man like this is great to have in your life because he can hold his own in any situation, and with anybody. The one downside is that he is not necessarily discerning. He may as easily chat up your three-year-old niece as his beautiful next-door neighbor. But don't let his flirting be his fatal flaw; instead, remember it's what drew you to him in the first place. But do keep in mind that his "playfulness" may make it tough for him to settle down.
You Like to Listen
The Female Profile
You're among the slightly less than 20 percent of the population who are wired for sound; waves crashing, wind whistling, and Luther Vandross doing his thing are all stimulating to you. ("But you're so attuned that you are easily turned off during sex by a distracting noise -- children crying, noisy neighbors," says Dr. Ogden.) And you like talk, especially when you're on the receiving end of sweet nothings and the grunts and groans that tell you he's enjoying himself.
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| quizzzessss |
[13 Jul 2004|05:29pm] |
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You are every goth-kids dream!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahahahahah me???
You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
SEXY LADY/ HOT BOY. You are hot, no matter what you
do. There are not much people like you.
Beautiful from inside and outside. The opposite
sex feels pleased with you . They treat you
like a god/goddess. The other ones are jealous
of you because they try to be sexy and
attractive but you are it. Maybe youre a bit
arrogant, or you seem . And some think that
they should better not even try to get a date
with you because your sex appeal scares them.
Sometimes it even nerves you the way they are
running after you.
. You need change-Sometimes you like shy and
sometimes you like extrovert
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
My inner child is sixteen years old!
Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are going to Marry Josh Hartnett. He is really
shy, but don't let that fool you. He is really
outgoing and sweet with those he loves and will
be loyal to them for the rest of his life.
Congrats!!
Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (14 choices now!!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Heart is Blue
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
Innocent
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are totally in love.You try to hide it but you
cant.You are nice and pritty in your own way
and you are a bit of a daydreamer.Have fun and
please rate my quiz.
Are you in love?
brought to you by Quizilla
AHHHHH SOOO IN LOVE WITH YOU JOHNNY BABYY!!<333
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| i missss youuu loveee |
[13 Jul 2004|04:32pm] |
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i really wish john was here like i really need him and i trust him but im scared cause he doesnt trust me..i wish he did and i wish i wasnt scared cuz then we'd be perfect and thats all i want !!
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| i love you babe |
[13 Jul 2004|02:29pm] |
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well last night i didnt go to sleep ill 6:30 cuz that when i got off the phone with john.. what a phone bill from florida lol oh well..we talked about mad crazy things but it was good i guess i cant wait to get back to see him so i can hang out with him everyday unless im working or at home cuz thats all i wanna do. i wish i could talk to him right now but he had summer school so he didnt get to go to sleep at 6:30 he got to take a shower and go to school ..l ahh baby i hope ur sleeping good right now i cant wait to talk to you later .. ur gonna be up all night again from all this sleeping in the day lol i love u soooo muchh ahh ok back to a journal not a love john letter .. well its hott today but not humid so the pool is kinda cold thats why im gonna go in the hott tub it will help my muscles relax from the arobics class i took yesterday and all the weights i did, this babys screaming is killig my head
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[12 Jul 2004|08:24pm] |
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be here now.
dont anticipate, dont yearn for things of the past.
let the past go with forgiveness
and let the future go with no anticipation.
each of us contains a being that doesnt die,
and a being that does die.
everything must change except the soul.
your preparation for dying is done by identifying with your soul, not your ego. identify with your soul now.
there are realms other than the one we are meeting on.
planes where we see the souls that we have known in the past as just souls.
we wont meet them in their clothing of mother or father, or uncle or aunt.
then...sensual planes, planes with color, music...
planes which have no form...
this plane is where all of it starts.
this plane is the womb, the begining of things.
this plane is ecstatic. its the ultimate creativity.
dying is the most important moment that exists in any incarnation.
its important that you not be so overwhelmed by the processes of dying.
i wish you a process for ying that doesnt overwhelm you.
i wish you a moment of dying that you can be conscious of.
i wish you a future incarnation in a place of incredible light.
the one who dies may also be described as an identification of that being, not the being itself.
the soul may be described or refered to as the immortal, unchanging dimension of self, the true self, or atman, as distinct from the concept of a soul which grows through lifetimes of experiences.
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| ayee |
[12 Jul 2004|07:53pm] |
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your vital energy is returning tothe source,
like the flowing stream returning to ocean.
heaven is our father, earth is our mother,
all people are our brother and sisters,
and all things are our companions.
in this gentle, peaceful journey,
you are forming one body with heaven and earth.
entrust yourself in the transforming,
and nourishing care of the cosmos.
listen to the voice of love in silence.
you have heard the way;
return home in peace
*
"five stages of grief"
1.Denial: we may dig into our heels and refuse to accept that something had changed.
2.Anger: we might rail at people or institutions, at the audacity of life, or God, for handing us something different from what we want.
3.Bargaining: we can try to make a deal with life, the universe, or a higher power, hoping to get what we want.
4.Depression: we could feel that everything is futile with we sense our underlying helplessness.
5.Acceptance: often only after we have exhausted each of the former responses are we ready to accept that change has occurred.
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| john is so dreamy (= |
[12 Jul 2004|11:45am] |
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aahh i miss my love so much, i really love him so much and i dont ever wanna be without him iwish he was here so badly
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| i misss my baby to the extremeee |
[11 Jul 2004|08:38am] |
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ok its like the morning and im awake =-O damn i guess im up so early cuz i passed out last night not even half way threw watching catch me if you can. so anyways i fought with john a little yesterday it sucks when people fuck up in relationships cause then you always think about it and then you feel betrayed by the person thats supposed to love you. john and i both fucked up but im so i love with him and some of you might know me with love but you probably dont its hard for me to really explain it but johns all i think about and all i want .. but im so scared cause he says the same but what if hes confusedd n doesnt really know idk.. i guess ill just think the best and be optomistic even tho i dont usually do that. i just dont wanna get hurt thats all.. but i was on the phone with john for so long and we talked about a lot of stuff and i just love hearing his voice ahhh its sooo sexyy there is nothing more i want i need him sooo bad and i wish he was here with me right now .. that would be like the best thing ever!! i feel soo gross so im gonna go take a shower a nd whatnot ..
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cutewitoutthee's journal
happy happy!!